You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
