I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
