When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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