apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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