i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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