just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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