If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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