i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
