The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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