It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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