bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
