if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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