she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
