I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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