i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
