Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
