Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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