ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
that is very illegal...i love you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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