Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
