I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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