I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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