You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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