We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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