My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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