it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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