made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
