I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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