Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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