need another drink. this is the easiest way
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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