Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
