I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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