I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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