three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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