i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
