Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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