I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
