we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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