Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
