I accidentally had phone sex last night
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
