peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
