I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
