***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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