the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
