Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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