Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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