i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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