The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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