I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
