Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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