So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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